Sunday, June 14, 2009

June 11, 2009

Well I guess having a blog means that I get to blog about all the good things with the family, especially the kids. On the other side I guess I have to blog from time to time about the not so good things with the family and kids. Thursday, June 11, I had my initial doctor’s appointment at the ob’s office. We went in, spent an hour going over insurance and medical history... you know all that boring stuff. We were to be there at 8:30am to do that with a 10am appointment with the doctor. We were seeing Dr. B (probably my favorite doctor in the group), she was the doctor that delivered Kennedi just 10 months ago. We had to go back into the waiting room for a little while because she was at the hospital but would be back at the office shortly.

Dr. B arrived and they called Chris and I back. We go back to get the initial pre natal exam. Dr. B gets the Doppler and listens for the heartbeat... she was not able to find one and got another Doppler machine since the last one had a lot of static. The one she got was not any better so she did the exam and then took us for the ultrasound. During the exam she said my uterus was a little smaller than what she thought it should be. We were in the ultrasound and Dr. Banks could not find a heart beat but she said that the lady that does the ultra sounds were off today and since it was only 13 weeks she didn’t want to make any calls so she sent us down the road to have another ultrasound. The place we needed to go was maybe 5 miles down the road but it seemed like it was much more. For the first time in my life I felt like Chris was actually driving really slowly (when I know he wasn’t).

Waiting in the waiting room seemed like it was forever. Deep down I think we both knew how this was all going to turn out. I had a feeling since early on that this baby was not going to be like the other three. I did not know if it was because I had 3 healthy kids with no complications and I felt like I was pressing my luck or if it was because I realized how many sick babies there are out there and since I had 3 healthy babies then maybe I was pressing my luck.

Anyway, we were called back and they did two ultrasounds. The second one they monitored me for 5 minutes and saw no heartbeat and no blood flow. I could tell by the look on Chris’ face that it was not good (I was not able to see the monitor, thankfully). The radiologist came in and took a look and then confirmed what we already knew. He then told us that it had happened around 8 weeks (about 5 weeks ago).

Chris and I drove home to spend the day with Kennedi. Thankfully we had her to spend time with to get our minds off of what was going on a little bit. The boys were at their dad’s house for all this and had no idea what was going on. Conner had a baseball tournament all weekend and I did want this fresh on his mind while he was playing. Unfortunately, the tournament did not go too well for his team. But there are more tournaments coming up. I waited until I picked them up tonight to tell them. They handled it better than I thought they would. I have to say they are two amazing kids!!

Of course we will never know why this happened but I guess there are reasons for everything. I do know the kids now have their littlest brother or sister watching over them all the time!


Barbie said...

You are right, there is a reason for everything. We may not know what it is right, now but you will know in time. When I talked to you on the 11th I knew something was wrong, and I figured after a bit what it probably was. Hang in there. God has his reasons. He doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Take it easy. Love ya

Kristin said...

Tara, all I can say is I am so sorry. I don't know the reasons why but know there is a plan for you and your family. Nothing we say or do can ease your pain. But just know there are lots of us out there sending you hugs and prayers.

Kim said...

I am so sorry honey. I've been there and I know it's not easy. Please know that I'm here if you need me. ((Hugs))

Kim said...

I'm so sorry honey. I've been there too. Please know that I'm here if you need me. ((Hugs))

Rachael said...

Tara, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. It's never easy and never acceptable, even though it happens more often that healthy babies are born. It truly is a miracle that so many babies are born healthy, when you think about everything that could possibly go wrong. Becky Klopcic told me that once, and it's good advice and has helped me a lot over the years.

Ryan and I lost our first child at 21 weeks gestation and we lost another baby at 14 weeks between RJ and Ryleigh...our baby's development was similar to what it seems like happened with you, no heartbeat, no bloodflow at the ultrasound at 12 weeks. Even worse, I had an important business trip that I really couldn't miss right after my ultrasound (this was right after 9/11 and I was leading one of the Red Cross audits for all the money that was donated), so I had to take hormone supposatories during the trip (thank goodness it was only 3 days) to keep me from miscarrying while I was out of town. Not fun, definitely, and definitely a baby lost and much loved, even if it's so early.

What I'm trying to say, is grieve the loss of your baby and honor their memory without getting bogged too down in it. They existed, so they should be loved and grieved, even if they weren't able to come full term. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are feeling better soon.

HUGS and lots of love,
Rachael Price